Friday, 11 May 2012
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I love you, I hate you, I can't live without you.
I decided that instead of constantly bemoaning my emotions and mood swings, I'd get help. And by help, I mean I'm writing my life story to find points that bother me, and then writing out my emotional/mental response to that situation, because I'm poor and hate counselor/shrinks. They never did do much for me. Besides tell me that, yes, what I am feeling is not normal. Thanks for the life-altering revelation there, yo. So, onto self-help! Hell, maybe I'll publish it and make 5 or 10 bucks! haha
Do you realize how much life story there is to write for 22 years of crap? And then writing where I think people should have done thing differently? I have 5 pages already....which doesn't sound like much, but my total time working on it has been about 4 hours....so.....yeah. Not a terribly shabby output.
Honestly, I don't know that doing this will help the mood swings or any of the other things I'm dealing with, but it will help me pin-point things in my life and my past that are issues, whether I acknowledge them currently or not. So, maybe it will help, maybe it won't, but hey! I always did want to write an auto-biography. Why not do so in a manner that might actually make a difference? :D
Food today...meh. Honestly, I didn't think about it a whole lot. Completely forgot about fasting until I was half-way through my brunch. Prolly ended in a safe, healthy range....not that the food itself was healthy, but meh.
Hope you ladies (and gents, if there's any reading) have an awesome day tomorrow (today?)! Carpe Diem!
Peace and love!
Wednesday, 09 May 2012
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you make me feel that la la la la la
Random music title :)
New stuff.....Went to church Sunday for the first time in...AGES, and I kind of liked it. It's a satellite church, so it's telecast from Birmingham and the the local branch is headed by what I'm guessing is an associate pastor or some such...idk, it was different. Still, I think that I'll go back this week and see what happens. Spent 2 days reminding Hubby to stop by the store on his way home, and he forgot both days and then refused to go once he got home. So I drug myself out (looking an absolute mess). Had a huge talk with my Mom last night, I miss her, even if we did drive each other insane at times. She just...well, she's Mom. Idk how else to explain that bit. haha Then I got to show (figuratively) her how to use Skype, so we'll see how that goes.
Fasted most of yesterday. It went pretty well, wasn't hard at all, until about 7:30 when I thought I was going to shake myself to bits and projectile vomit everywhere. (sorry for that lovely mental image). Then the cosmos spoke by LO shoving a slice of Pizza Hut in my face. :) So I split that with him. Think I'm going to try again tomorrow, see if I can't do a little better.
I have an artsy project I'm working on...I'll show you guys when it's done. :)
FINALLY got the school to let me register for classes! Lo and behold, they won't let me take Cal I yet...I'm missing a pre-req. Oh well, I could use the refresher, my last math was in 2010.
Assuming everything goes according to plan (not that it does very often :D ), I should be graduating in exactly 2 years.... a bit late, yeah, but I only switched majors 5 or 6 times, so I think I'm doing rather well.
Had an epiphany the other night. I hyper-focus on certain superficial aspects of myself (i.e., hair, food, weight, clothing) to distract from my feelings of boredom and inadequacy about my personal and educational/career life. So my food issues aren't issues; they're coping mechanisms! Well, there's a load off. FML.
*Happy-face!*
The mood swings have been horrible today. HORRIBLE. Really wanna just tell everyone to fend for themselves and soak in a warm bath with a glass of wine and a sketch pad. 'Cept wine has calories. And I detest using it to "unwind"....my family has a history of addictive behaviors.
Well, LO just woke up and came to curl up in my lap and hold my hand. I feel slightly less stressed now :) Guess I will let you lovelies go until another time!
Peace and love!
Saturday, 05 May 2012
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You shine brighter than anyone
Trolled the internet a lot. Pretty good intake (if not the healthiest)...even after Hubby made pizza, and more cookies called my name :) I was pretty proud of that.
Found out today that 200 calories can mean a 4 pound difference in how much I lose in two months....I ate the cookies anyway :)
Spent a while compiling a list of random goals I would like to accomplish in the coming year. Extremely mundane goals that probably won't matter to anyone else, but I'm going to post them anyway
hahaWeight
Hair
Miscellaneous
May 2012
Get down to 140
DO NOT CUT OR DYE
- Work on anger and profanity
- 3 creative whathaveyous
June 2012
Get to/maintain 137
DO NOT CUT OR DYE
- Anger and profanity
- 3 creative whathaveyous
July 2012
Get to/ maintain 134
Trim ends and shape up, may put in streak
- 3 creative whathaveyous
August 2012
free month
MAINTAINDO NOT CUT OR DYE
- 3 creative whathaveyous
September 2012
Get down to/maintain 131
DO NOT CUT OR DYE
- 3 creative whathaveyous
October 2012
Get down to/maintain 128
DO NOT CUT, may touch up streak
- 3 creative whathaveyous
November 2012
Get down to/maintain 127
Trim and shape (Should measure 19” after trim)
- 3 creative whathaveyous
December 2012
Get down to/maintain 126
DO NOT CUT, may touch up streak
- 3 creative whathaveyous
January 2013
Get down to/maintain 125
DO NOT CUT OR DYE
- 3 creative whathaveyous
Feburary 2013
Maintenance
If weight becomes 130, must begin actively attempting to lose again…
Do not let weight get too low. (As if…)
DO NOT CUT, may touch up streak
- 3 creative whathaveyous
March 2013
Trim and shape
- 3 creative whathaveyous
April 2013
DO NOT CUT
- 3 creative whathaveyous
May 2013
DO NOT CUT (should measure about 23” on 31st) may touch up streak
- 3 creative whathaveyous
Yes, I have to make it a goal not to cut my hair. Otherwise I get scissor happy, which is extremely counter-productive to me trying to grow my hair out. And I will get my hair long, dern it! haha Also, wanting to keep most of my hair natural, but tossing the idea of a streak when it gets longer...just for something to play with, ya know? So I don't get too bored with it.
Also, you might notice my weight loss goals for each month are very small. The way I figure, if I lose more, awesome. If not, I'm not disappointed. I'm just trying to be realistic in that I'm not gonna lose weight as quickly as I did in the beginning. Plus, hell, I'm trying to get to the lowest weight I've been at since I was...what, in 7th grade? If that recently. (I do remember being 136 in 8th, so... maybe younger.) Needless to say, my body isn't used to being this proportionally small.
Weighed in at 143 today....most of the loss was water weight, and I know that, but it still feels good :)
Beach trip was supposed to be next weekend....everyone bailed. So, screw the girls, Hubby and I are going Memorial Day weekend while LO chills with the grandparents :) It's great, cause I've been itching for us to go to the beach for ages! Wooooooo! Possibly pics after...idk.
Hope everyone is doing well!
Peace and love to you all!
Thursday, 03 May 2012
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...and so it was decreed, that not a single fk shall be given.
And the decree went over swimmingly.
Honestly, refusing to care has done wonders for my mood. What would have sent me flying off the handle has instead barely ruffled my feathers today. I wasn't constantly snapping at everyone. I wasn't stressed to the point of craving unhealthy habits. I wasn't starving constantly and craving emotionally satisfying foods, and my intake today was okay (would've been better, but I chose to eat a few cookies. And you know, I'm okay with it. It wasn't a craving, I didn't cry over it. I looked at the cookies, said, "I will eat 3 of you," and I did. And they were delicious.).
Wrote something to myself last night. Basic gist: man up and tell life to go bust someone else's [...er, boy bits]. I will continue to be miserable if I allow myself to wallow in self-pity. If I don't want to continue asking, "why me?" then I need to analyze the situation and change whatever is not working.
You know, a determinedly-positive attitude toward life can be a life-changing thing to have. Who'da thunk?
For all my readers working toward something or struggling, have a hug :) I know you have the strength and the means to accomplish your goals!
Peace and love, dearies!
Wednesday, 02 May 2012
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LOL, smiley face
I'm cool! Well, not really at the moment, but I figure if I say it enough it'll happen.
Exercise....I've been moving and walking more, as opposed to sitting on my bum supervising the youngun, so it's a (granted, slight) improvement. Intake has been mediocre at best...ugh. Mentally....I feel like my BPD is acting up again, my moods are all over the place, and it sucks, because I'm tired of raging at everyone...they don't deserve it. Bleh.
So...I guess that I have officially been losing weight for a year now, so...I guess I'll post progress pics...
Improvement? Definitely. Not really where I want it to be though, and if you saw the pictures from today of me in a bathing suit, you'd agree I could do a little more work. But, hell, 35lbs in a year...I'm not complaining too much :)
Financial aid finally let me know I have all the money I need (Woohoo!!!) Now I just have to figure out why the online registration system won't let me log on.
Little One is apparently nose-deep in the horrors of the terrible twos...BUT he's using words a little more (as opposed to never, the tiny bit he's doing is awesome!). So I guess it balances out? meh.
Nothing else here of the slightest interest to report. Hope everyone is doing well and sticking to their own personal goals!
Peace and love!
itsjustme2790
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- Name: ceruleanlove
- Member Since: 9/11/2011
Stats
Height: 5'7"
HW: 178
CW: (see posts)
GW 1: 160 (achieved 9/20/11)
GW 2: 145
UGW: 130
Dream GW: 120Goals
~ Be able to fit into a size 8 by New Year's 2012
~ Workout 2 times a week for 30 minutes to an hour
~ Work on developing those virtues in which I am sorely lacking :D
